Queer Swan Lake

I don't know about you but mentally, I'm ready for June, biking around the city and sitting at the Templehofer Feld until late. Mercilessly, the wall calendar tells a different, probably more accurate story, in which the feeling of sunshine on one's skin appears to be a sought after rarity. The autumn is here but so far it treats us gently, more in the Gilmore Girls fashion, with comforting mugs of hot chocolate and novels to escape the brutal reality of what living in 2024 looks like.

Speaking of books, if you're looking for a novel about ballet dancers thrown in the midst of political games between France and the USSR, the freshly brewed Reverence by Milena McKay will not disappoint you. Yes, there is some lesbian love and queer topics but mostly angst and Swan Lake. And who doesn't need emotional worry over fictional characters and Tchaikovsky in October? I dare you to name better autumn mood than this with the PSL (or any hot beverage of your choice) accompaniment.

The plot of Reverence follows a culture clash between a gullible American Juliette from the Parisian company and a more mature Russian counterpart who is not allowed to say a word, as in is surrounded by suits who make sure she represent the USSR in the right way. As one may expect, a lot can go wrong here, and it does in the most delightful and angsty way.

Reverence made me listen to Swan Lake, and fall in love again with its devastating music. Thank the internet for YouTube, here are some delicious interpretations we can watch for free:

If you don't know Tchaikovsky, or, as Polish people write his name, Czajkowski, this piano concerto will blow your mind:

Honestly, find 40 minutes to just listen to it without interruptions. Go for a walk or sit on a sofa, and let the music take you and squeeze your lungs, guts and heart really tight.

Air in lungs

I cannot stop thinking about how much Pyotr Ilyich would enjoy his life now, without homophobia and never-ending struggle between desire to be free and loved, and social acceptance. Berlin gave this to me. Life with long breaths. Relief. Acceptance. Queer life at ease. I'd been thinking about Berlin, immigration, and meaning of home, when I read an interview with a famous Polish writer Jacek Dehnel in which he stated: smart Poles move from Berlin back to Warsaw (PL). Later in the article he bashed German inefficiency and impoliteness, and in a weird way argued about the blooming diversity and multiculturalism of Warsaw.

Immigration, living abroad is so weird, multilayered and ambiguous, at least this is how I see it. I lost so much and gained something too. But I never feel at home, I'm always in-between. How about you? Where do you find yourself?

Thank you for reading.